WWBCD: What Would Brandy Chastain Do?

I grew up playing soccer - from kindergarten through college (Division III NCAA) - at various competitive levels. In my old age, I now simply play in a co-ed soccer league every Sunday. The co-ed league has a few rule twists to recognize the co-ed makeup of a team, but beyond the ones bulleted below, it is soccer and it is competitive.

1. No more than 5 men field players can be on the field at a time. The goalie is asexual. This means you usually have 5 men and 5 women + 1 goalie.
2. No slide tackles.
3. Women must be 18 to play and men must be 23.
4. If a woman scores a goal, it counts as two points.

The last two rules are the ones that just don't sit right with me. They have been established for some obvious (yet flawed, in my opinion) reasons.

The age limit: This can only be based upon the common perception that women mature quicker than men. While there may be studies that indicate this general pattern in our society, I can assure you that this rule is inappropriate for the league. I would only have to introduce you to a few players here or there and you would be convinced: sometimes, the older you get, the less mature you become. As a work around, I would like the league to either make the cutoff age for men and women equal (or) establish a Co-Ed Maturity, Soccer Assessment Test (CM-SAT). The test could have a series of questions along the lines of:

• If a 200 lb 35 year old man wants to take you out into the parking lot after the game do you: a] deflate his tires after you sub out; b] laugh in his face and tweak his nipple; c] meet him in the parking lot as invited and proceed to start a brawl that develops into a multi-team/parent blood bath; or d] walk away and let the referee handle it?
• You are playing a game and the winner of said game will be league champion. At halftime, your team is losing, lightning strikes are appearing on the horizon. Do you: a] Line up your team and either pray or perform a rain dance to ward off the weather; b] Yell at the opposition's team captain and claim that they are cheating because their rain dance is working and yours is not; c] Play in the lightning; or d] Reschedule the game to a later date.

Maybe an essay question as well. It would not be scored by the College Board or any association affiliated with the College Board.

2 Point Goals: This rule was initiated to encourage the involvement of women in the game. Unfortunately, it is not really accomplishing that at all. There are women in the league who are better than the men. The teams that win the league do so because they use all 11 players and everyone knows it. The "2 Point Goal" rule does accomplish a couple things well:

• By rewarding women for scoring, in an unequal manner, it legitimizes the false impression that the women are not as good as the men.
• When penalty kicks are awarded, teams have a woman take the kick and attempt to use this opportunity to get two quick points. Thus, the rule sets close games up for a series of pathetic dives in the box in an attempt to draw a foul and heartbreak losses on the heels of a referee who cannot distinguish acting. Trust me, it is not fun to watch a bunch of 200 lb 35 year old men with bruised nipples, bloody lips, and flat tires argue over whether or not there truly was a foul in the box.

I don't want to be viewed as someone who likes to complain. I love this soccer league and the competition is fierce. I do however, think that there is some room for improvement. Unfortunately, the only time people really care about these rules is when they work against their favor, on a Sunday, in the spring or fall, and only for 1.5 hours or so. Thus, change is hard to come by.